And it’s the last day of heart month.

For some folks, it’s also the season of Lent.

Both seasons exist for one reason – love.

Love.

I don’t know if you indulged your heart during February and if you are denying it now during Lent.

I don’t know if either position increases love for you or if you find yourself trying to hide increased amounts of guilt, shame, and pounds. Not sure.

I don’t do either one particularly well.

Too much and too little are two gears that always get stuck with me.

So, if there is something that you know hurts you and those you love…stop it.  Get help if help encourages you. Give yourself a much deserved break. Pray. Be still. Go outside and play.

But, while you are doing these new things and feeling just a little better….pause…….to be quiet enough to hear the messages driving the behavior that you believe is so bad.   You will hear your heart hurting. You will hear ugly taunts.

“You are a failure. You make terrible decisions. You never do what you say. You never stick with anything. No wonder your life is such a mess.”

If February is about indulging and Lent is about denial and both are about love….then, the real love you most deserve and need may be your own.

Lent is a lovely time to practice forgiveness-beginning with ourselves.

It’s so easy and so much our default mode to think our life’s condition and even our physical habits are because someone else hurt us or betrayed us or abandoned us. And we so easily believe the lies that others say about us.  Then, we take it a step further and condemn ourselves for not being more brilliant in the face of betrayals and loss.

Geez….what a vicious cycle.

Just the thought drives me to the chocoate chip cookies.

This season of winter into spring offers each of us a new beginning; a fresh start; a resurrection. Hope.

And when you pause…really pause….to identify the messages behind the behavior…you can choose to keep believing them or not. And if they are lies…guess what?  You can kick them to the curb and leave them there.

And the pounds and headaches and back aches and who knows what else – begin to diminish.

See, all that resentment, anger, bitterness we swallow just ends up making us sick, fat, and drunk.

And the heart that is wrapped in deadly barbed wire – is our own.

Get yourself some wire cutters. Free your beautiful heart.

It’s Leap Year into Lent.

1. Different than  you expected…

2. Harder than you expected….

3. Better than you expected.”

Two weeks into this coaching paradigm and I agree with her.

These two weeks have begun with a kind of wilderness experience….a forced aloneness; quiet; slow illumination of dark spaces.

I want more than to simply make better decisions.  I want more than to simply respond better in difficult circumstances.  I want more than to simply replace bad habits with good ones.

I want to live one very good, true life….not a perfect one; but not an inauthentic one; not a false one.  A free one.  A true one.

And I need light to do so.

I need to see what the light illuminates and deal with the stuff hidden in corners and closets.

I want to forgive and be forgiven.

I want to trust and be trusted.

I want to offer grace and truth without compromising either.

My counselor was right.

This living true thing is hard work.  As long as I was the only one aware of the mess in my own corners and closet and I held the only key to those spaces, I could manuever around pretty well.

Manuevering and managing just isn’t good enough anymore.

I believe the light bulbs have always been there.  They just needed the switches to be flipped.

Takes some getting used to, though….all this light.

But, isn’t it beautiful?

I  crave the bold, beautiful invitation to escape  from the ordinary to the extraordinary.

I have never lost my childlike love of snowflakes falling from dark skies.

So, I am missing snow alot this winter and the sacred stillness it offers.

Imagine each of us waking this morning with our park benches beckoning us to a bleak but beautiful black and white stillness.

Imagine accepting such an invitation.

So, that’s just what I think I will do.  Accept February’s invitation to stillness – with or without real snow.

I’ve allowed so much noise in my life that I’ve sorely missed the stillness.

I  talk way too much.

I am a wordy person.

Yet,  I say I  want to “live from my heart.”

Seriously?  Have I any idea how to hear my heart?

So, I thought I would turn the tables on myself.  I have signed up to be coached.  By me – cause  I have nothing left to prove to myself.

And I know when I’m lying.

And I’m affordable.

Every  step I ask my clients to take, I will take.

So….yesterday I spent a good part of the day answering  the introductory questionaire I give to my clients.

I’ve previously completed it but it was a slightly doctored version for my first lifecoach caused I really wanted him to like me.

So, I had to glitter up some otherwise embarrassing chapters.

It took alot of  time for me to sit still on that park bench so I could hear what I had avoided for so long.

I started  with the easy, obvious stuff.  The annoying habits.  The dysfunctional thinking.  The pound bag of m&m’s. The sloppy office space.  The procrastination.  The grudges. You know…stuff like that.

I’ve spent a life time working hard on those behaviors and habits  ’cause I believed that’s what mattered.  But, after all that concentration and resolutions and counseling and hard work, that stuff hasn’t changed all that much.

What remains are questions….lots of them….

What am I thinking when I justify doing or saying something I don’t even agree with or know I will  regret or will cause me or someone else suffering?

What’s up with that?

Truth be told, I want a silver bullet – a quick fix – to feel better and to tidy up my mess.

And, until I find that silver bullet, I choose to manage the mess.  I choose…..

So, today I am being still on my park bench.

There are habits I want to change or stop altogether.

There are no excuses not to do so right now.

I have hired a coach to run the miles with me.

I know I will want to quit. Give myself an out.

I am prone to conclude that it is too late…..that I am too old.

My coach will remind me to read what I have written in stark black and white.  Like snow.

To just keep going.

If you’re interested, I promise to be honest about this journey.

Is it worth it?

Is it harder than I thought?

Would I recommend it to you?

Look up at the winter sky….feels like snow.

A brilliant young musician friend, Stuart Hill, posted this song on his FB page. The band is the Gabe Dixon Band and they deserve to be heard.  So does my friend.

I love this song.  I listen to it alot.

And today when I realized that the first month of 2012 is basically a done deal….I needed this song.

2011 didn’t play out quite as I had expected.

2012 hasn’t begun so stellar either.

And not for the lack of lofty goals, focused intentions, and some pretty impressive blood, sweat, and tears.

It’s just been a tough start.

So, I really appreciate someone honestly singing about breaking promises to yourself but still believin’ all will be well.

I gave away alot of 2011 and those annoying little habits are hard to break so when 2012 came knocking at my door I had very little left to serve.

So, though it’s been a while and there have been miles we have all traveled since our last crossing of paths…and sharing of blog posts…

I figured why not welcome February – THE  LOVE  MONTH – as a gift of winter wonders yet to be discovered.

Cause I believe that all will be well for you – which honestly – is easier than believing it for me.

Maybe you know what I mean.

Maybe you are a light and hope bearer for everybody else in the universe – except yourself.

I understand.

Listen…I will not be perfect. In February.  I won’t even be close.

I’m pretty determined to avoid perfect like the plague. I’ve tasted her fruit of the vine and it ain’t worth the hangover.

So…..here we go.

I promise to be honest…kind….prudent….shrewd….tasteful (hmmm…maybe)….and gracious….cause grace is the power of the music….

Take a listen…..

All….will…..be…..well…….

Thanks, Stuart….

It’s cool and quiet and still and expectant.

Time for miracles.

Time for daring responses.

Last week  I saw a car with a bumper sticker that preached one of the best sermons I ever heard…

“DON’T POSTPONE JOY!”

Postpone some other stuff if you must…but, don’t…don’t postpone joy.

For some of us…that will require an Easter miracle.

Lucky for us….today is Easter!

The Easter story makes new beginnings far more powerful than any New Year’s Day ever tried to be.

I don’t know what your April 25th might bring.
Neither do you.

But, I do believe, if nothing else, Easter shouts at us…

DON’T POSTPONE JOY!!

Joy may be hidden; may be battered a bit; may be covered with sand and soil.

It’s okay.

Find it anyway.

PURSUE JOY!

PRACTICE RESURRECTION!

Easter blessings to you…

With the new year arriving midst blustery winds and blowing snows, the winter sky has offered staggering views of the night skies.  Cold, stark, mysterious,  stunning.  And just at a time when I presumed that new stories would simply write themselves upon my heart and calendar, even with winter clarity I seem to have lost sight of my own North Star.

So, I went looking for it….

I was reminded of one of my favorite benchmark words for new beginnings found in

Isaiah 43:18-19 ….

“Do not remember the former things;

or consider things of old.

I am about to do a new thing;

now it springs forth’

do you not preceive it?’

I love these words because I seem to carry around alot of “former things” which get in the way of my seeing “the new thing” springing up…kinda like losing my North Star.  Without my North Star I seem to wander aimlessly about my space; moving more circular than forward, more awkward than sound, more lost than found.  I think I believed that my North Star – my guiding light – would appear in my circumstances or in my check book or by email with words and prizes to re-energize my movement and chart my new course.

But, none of those things happened.

Instead, something rumbled and tumbled inside of me having little to do with the squares on my calendar.

It is my insides that long for a new beginning. The former things that muddy my vision are not the scribbles on my new datebook.  They are the walls and strongholds entrapping my heart.

I have some hard work to do. Beautiful though it may be the North Star is simply that, my guide, my point of reference.  I am the seeker. I choose the journey.

I’ve known this for a long time.  I just wanted all the other stuff to do the really hard work and allow me to slide through…to the other side of New.

I don’t want to slide anymore.

The North Star is too magnificent, too powerful, too much to ever miss again…

As the holy days of Advent quickly bring us to the manger, I find myself overcome with gratitude and grace for so many of you who have chosen time and again to offer your love and grace to me…..Thank you. …. Thank you for being peacemakers and peacekeepers and grace givers when least recognized or deserved but profoundly appreciated.  May you be the joyful recipient of unsurpassing peace and amazing grace uniquely gifted during this holy season  - especially if you find yourself feeling a bit Charlie Brownish….

May you be embraced by extravagant Grace,  humbled by limitless Gratitude , and lifted by triumphant Love….

And in that holy moment may you trustfully  relinquish your fears, painful judgments, and hurtful prejudices to the miracle at the manger….

May you become lighter and freer for having chosen so…

Gratitude and Grace to you….

Come, Lord Jesus….Come….

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

If today…the day after….. finds you unexpectedly welcoming the unexpected –  some bit of chaos or confusion…may you live aware of  the power of renewed hope fueled by amazing grace and gratitude; humbled by what is unseen, and carried by love’s forgiveness and redemption.

Gratitude leads….always has…always will.   Shall we practice scandalous gratitude despite the unexpecteds that might have found their way to our kitchens and to our hearts?  Shall we rebel against self absorbed fears and our often massive insecurities and simply practice gratitude for what truly  has been, for what is, and what shall be?

Peace to you….

i’ve found myself praying the simple prayer found in Psalm 30:7

“Lead me in a plain path.”

A simple, clear, clean…tiny little path…

No brilliant lights…

No marching bands…

No exhilarating crowds..

Just a simple, plain, honest, true, sound, strong, sure plain path.

And early today…for the first time in almost four months…I went for my early morning run…

Sweet…..plain….path….

And I thought of the simple words spoken by Jesus when he said so tenderly yet so forcefully,

“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

But, I often seem unable to find truth – especially within a particular circumstance or relationship…. so within those areas….

I am not free.

And then…quite unexpectedly…without any effort or intention on my part these words came to me… also spoken by Jesus…

“I am the truth.”

“I am the truth.”

So, I thought…well, if I want to find the truth and if it is truth that will set me free and if I cannot seem to find the truth…

then maybe instead…I could just find Jesus…

and let him set me free.

Maybe I’ve complicated my race far too much…allowed far too many voices and distractions and opinions….well meaning though they be…but they have cluttered my plain path….

Truth is a precious commodity. An invaluable gift of respect we offer ourselves and those we love. It is a gift that can be costly in its revelation but any other gift – damage control, spin stories, pretty packaging – oh, those gifts can become messy litter, roadblocks on our run.

And we live unfree….so very encumbered….

You know what I mean?

Shall we seek to be made free?

And discover how to love well along the way…

I opened that lovely box of crayons – so bright and beautiful – and simply indulged in their vibrant colors.  Every color was one that a two year old would be proud and brave to hold in their chubby little hand.  And it occurred to me how easily, how willingly we ignore the best colors in the box.  Or I do.  I gravitate toward the blacks and the whites – not real colors at all – with an occasional brown thrown in for good measure but I completely miss the shocking pinks and splashy oranges and the soothing blues and greens.

And then, in an ever so sneaky way, I buy into a belief that my life is – oh, I don’t know – kinda grey, kinda cream, kinda dulled.

I want my True Color back.

So, I found that feisty Cindy Lauper song, True Colors, on  the internet and turned up the volume and colored all over notebooks and journals.  I might just paint my walls a fabulous red!

I love Cindy’s words…

“But I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that’s why I love you

So don’t be afraid to let them show

Your true colors,

True colors, are beautiful,

Like a rainbow.”

Amen to that……Color on……